Day 3: All Quiet on the Western Front

Shann's picture

Created and sent to me by my friend of 55 years.

Woke up this morning with the desire to express deep gratitude to all those who have prayed for us, or sent positive and healing energy our way. Thank you. So many people have written that I have fallen way way behind in my personal correspondence. But never think for a moment that I didn’t read it and appreciate it. You have held me up and given so generously of your time to write a heartfelt note, send a gift, Facebook encouragement, expressing your good energy for me and our family. This is a generosity that heals the world and draws us closer as community, just as I am sure it is at work now for the recent tragedies on the island.  You have inspired me and uplifted me, and you do the same for others who need it.

So far, on Day 3, though I am in the hospital, not much happening. Still have appetite and energy. I know I have some big obstacles yet to overcome, specifically, accepting the graft, escaping infection, and dealing with graft vs. host disease. I am more aware than ever of how fragile and unlikely our very existence is. It  is a road with pitfalls (and joys) that you can’t foresee. We just go on about our business as if life is predictable. But it never has been.

Tomorrow, I will be hit with the last of the chemos. For two days, I will receive a high dose of cytoxan to tone down Mariya’s cells as they re-locate to my bone marrow and, as I imagine it, they react in a startled manner. In the most positive of words, the cytoxan acts to mellow them out a bit. I just hope I escape without too many side effects.

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So I have met myself in so many ways on this journey. I’ve had the time that most people never get, and without the energy that usually has us up and doing things. I have seen myself as a varied landscape, with deep canyons of grief, caves of dread, and exhilarating trails through spiritual dimensions. I have enjoyed the pastoral countryside of family in a way I thought lost forever, though I believe it’s been hard on the girls, we know each other better, and we have learned a lot about ourselves at the same time. I have wandered into the deserts of anguish but I have also felt such peace and gratitude in our borrowed abode, and relished its quiet, right in the middle of the city. Being forced to drop out of social engagement for a spell has been healing to my ever busy soul. Still, I have startled myself by how pettiness can creep along, like a shadow, right behind you. I have unmindful, wanting hours of entertainment rather than anything more worthwhile, tough and whiny all at once.

Crazy experience, to be a human. We have all of these dimensions but we rarely acknowledge them all. I would say, from this journey–it’s worth it to take the time, as you can, to touch the fullness of it. As you can’t see around the corner, more reason to try to keep waking up. I don’t think it’s a steady climb–but maybe more like bursts of awareness, then back to “normal” life. But if you catch yourself noticing these flashes, then you can start to bring more of that consciousness into your life. That’s my hope, anyway. That’s my goal for my second life.

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11 comments on “Day 3: All Quiet on the Western Front

  1. Shann, I am so impressed by your stamina and your beautiful way of expressing everything to us. You are on your way! May your cells and Mariya’s cells have a great dance and hugs and healing together! Our thoughts are with you, along with everyone’s…. much love

  2. I love the way you share what you are experiencing, Shann. You are so brave! And what a wonderful family! The little pictograph of you and Mariya is just so sweet- may they together do the dance of joy!

  3. All so well put. Thank you, Shann, for continuing to keep us posted with such grace. Your willingness to share such a personal journey is inspirational and you seem to be so very wise. As always, I send my love to your entire family.

  4. So good to hear that things are beginning to harmonize. Listen to some good music if you can. Mozart always heals me fastest but some of the New Age stuff works well too. Sweet days ahead… :))

  5. Hi Shann, I tried to comment on the page with your 4am blog today…I think I did something wrong and it failed, so I will reply here. Ohmigosh these are important days for you, and all of your devoted friends. We are following closely your life as it continues to wend its way through one procedure after another. When I was hospitalized I was tremendously impressed at not only the number of ‘get well’ cards, but even more heartfelt gifts – 2 prized ‘hot rocks’ from a masseuse, comedy tapes, books, flowers, marijuana, even an orchid that arrived via UPS, from a friend I have hardly ever been with. I know it is the same with you Shann. So many people love Nd cherish your beautiful essence. In my case I was surprised to hear from so many. I wondered, ‘Do I owe them all money?’ I really wondered though, whether people’s prayers for me, made a difference; because there were so many different prayers. There must be an even larger following, hanging on your every blog. I do believe that all of our prayers can, and WILL make a difference. Sarah and I are going to visit friend Charles McClane now. Sadly he is dying of liver cancer; he was in the hospital when I was. When I visited him earlier this week, he greeted me, ‘Are n’t you dead yet?’ I Am getting stronger. But since my steroid med was reduced, I have suffered random and painful joint pain. So I will have to restore it to what it was. To prepare for our trip. Monday we fly to Paris. Spend 4 days there (pinch me – never thought I would be able to go to Gay Paree with my sweetheart). The. 2 days in an old city in SW France, thence on to Andalu – O hate this thing – sees it won’t allow me to spell something the way it should be spelled. like the above region of Spain. Love, Steve

    Sent from my iPhone

  6. Yay! Going to Paris after all you’ve been through! That is so wonderful. I am so very happy for you. You deserve it. You can always email me, Sarah has my gmail address. Have a great time, my friend!

  7. Yes shann every day i think of you and pray for your return with a healed body and i believe now at the last stretch you will make it!! You have never been alone and i couldn’t help but realize as some people have chosen death , you have chosen life. Thank you. Ruth

  8. Yea, I didnt know you could comment here. Im so glad all is going ok! Thinking of you all everyday, wishing I was there to hug you all and make you food! I really miss you Shann, the island misses you, and Steve, and the girls. It is an overcast day and everyone is put-putting around in their usual way. Reading your blog is so inspirational and helps me be reminded of how precious each moment is, and it is so nice to be kept up on how things are going. Im glad your family is so close. What a truly special thing. I really love you Shann. Good luck accepting Mariya’s cells, and growing your new healthy ones. Your the best, you and steveo and mariya and lena may.

  9. Dear Shann,

    “Life” has intruded into our life and delayed this response by 5 days. As you said: “We just go on about our business as if life is predictable. But it never has been.” Nevertheless, our thoughts of and for you are just as constant as ever!

    Somehow, I thought the counting began on 8/22, but you wrote on 8/23 saying “Day 3.” The specific days don’t matter; it is the results that we care about — and your beautiful writing that expresses them. Beware: when you return to the Island, I will indeed be “bugging” you to do something with “Do It Yourself Life.”

    Our examples this time:

    “I have seen myself as a varied landscape, with deep canyons of grief, caves of dread, and exhilarating trails through spiritual dimensions.” WOW!

    And your last paragraph really spoke to me. I have been so jammed with work, social obligations, and medical appointments (hip to be replaced 11/18) that I get caught up in that “Crazy experience, to be a human” and forget to “touch the fullness of it.”

    Thank you! Alice ========== Alice B. Acheson, Book Marketing/Publicity Specialist P. O. Box 735 Friday Harbor, WA 98250 360/378-2815 http://sites.google.com/site/alicebacheson Do It Yourself Life wrote on 8/23/2013 8:53 PM: > WordPress.com > Shann Weston posted: ” Woke up this morning with the desire to express > deep gratitude to all those who have prayed for us, or sent positive > and healing energy our way. Thank you. So many people have written > that I have fallen way way behind in my personal correspondence. Bu” >

  10. Hi Shann
    Wonderful to find your site! I love your writing and your astonishing spirit. Phoebe Bee’s healing group at Indralaya has you on their list, too. I’m so glad you’re doing so well. My love to you. Liz Francis

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