Woke up this morning with the desire to express deep gratitude to all those who have prayed for us, or sent positive and healing energy our way. Thank you. So many people have written that I have fallen way way behind in my personal correspondence. But never think for a moment that I didn’t read it and appreciate it. You have held me up and given so generously of your time to write a heartfelt note, send a gift, Facebook encouragement, expressing your good energy for me and our family. This is a generosity that heals the world and draws us closer as community, just as I am sure it is at work now for the recent tragedies on the island. You have inspired me and uplifted me, and you do the same for others who need it.
So far, on Day 3, though I am in the hospital, not much happening. Still have appetite and energy. I know I have some big obstacles yet to overcome, specifically, accepting the graft, escaping infection, and dealing with graft vs. host disease. I am more aware than ever of how fragile and unlikely our very existence is. It is a road with pitfalls (and joys) that you can’t foresee. We just go on about our business as if life is predictable. But it never has been.
Tomorrow, I will be hit with the last of the chemos. For two days, I will receive a high dose of cytoxan to tone down Mariya’s cells as they re-locate to my bone marrow and, as I imagine it, they react in a startled manner. In the most positive of words, the cytoxan acts to mellow them out a bit. I just hope I escape without too many side effects.
So I have met myself in so many ways on this journey. I’ve had the time that most people never get, and without the energy that usually has us up and doing things. I have seen myself as a varied landscape, with deep canyons of grief, caves of dread, and exhilarating trails through spiritual dimensions. I have enjoyed the pastoral countryside of family in a way I thought lost forever, though I believe it’s been hard on the girls, we know each other better, and we have learned a lot about ourselves at the same time. I have wandered into the deserts of anguish but I have also felt such peace and gratitude in our borrowed abode, and relished its quiet, right in the middle of the city. Being forced to drop out of social engagement for a spell has been healing to my ever busy soul. Still, I have startled myself by how pettiness can creep along, like a shadow, right behind you. I have unmindful, wanting hours of entertainment rather than anything more worthwhile, tough and whiny all at once.
Crazy experience, to be a human. We have all of these dimensions but we rarely acknowledge them all. I would say, from this journey–it’s worth it to take the time, as you can, to touch the fullness of it. As you can’t see around the corner, more reason to try to keep waking up. I don’t think it’s a steady climb–but maybe more like bursts of awareness, then back to “normal” life. But if you catch yourself noticing these flashes, then you can start to bring more of that consciousness into your life. That’s my hope, anyway. That’s my goal for my second life.