Teetering

Teetering is the word I settle on, after sampling lockdown, pandemic, chaos, caste, remission, relapse. Teetering feels like the right word to describe my cancer journey— balancing on a tight rope, but also the drama of larger proportions in our country and in the world. In September, all we could think about was the elections. We thought that would have a resolution in November, but we were wrong. Instead, we woke up to the disturbing split reality of our country, always there, but now in plain view.

The Practice that Sustained Me

While the country went into full chaos, with a disputed election that could easily threaten to rupture my focus on healing, I turned off the news and devoted every early morning to meditation. I focused on coexisting with my “dragon” drug, Ponatinib. As we moved into November, I added a full spectrum light. With my cell phone providing the guiding meditation, I began a practice to lead me back to center through the turmoil in my heart about the state of our nation. This simple training meant that I saw many dawn sky, where black night turned to dark cobalt, then to a mesmerizing indigo hue that on clear mornings, contained the jewels of Venus and the moon in its phases.

The Family Juggling Team

Meanwhile, our family rallied to the various forms of lockdown, with rules that seemed to change every few weeks, celebrating birthdays and holidays outside. Christmas had half of our family on the porch outside, next to the dining room window where we sat with the other half, inside—using our cellphones on speaker to converse. Mariya juggled a “bubble” of moms and toddlers that went in and out of quarantine. Elena navigated the highwire act of trying to keep her parents safe while teaching in person. Steve and I hosted several outdoor happy hours until the cold weather finally overtook our desire to do so, and we surrendered to an indoor world that primarily featured just the two of us.

Gratitude

I knew that the pandemic was unjust in the worst way imaginable, with the poor and unlucky and subordinate caste receiving the brunt of it. We had nothing to complain about in our quiet, cozy home. Though grateful to my bones, I felt and grieved the loss of normal and the growing insanity of our country.

Inspiration

I gather my courage from the Americans who stood for hours in voting lines, masked and six feet apart, without amenities of any kind, to change the destiny of our teetering nation. And I gather determination from those who worked so hard to shift the fate of the future. As we moved into the new year, we saw things I don’t need to repeat here, evidence of an infectious madness. But the teetering line held, and leadership changed and, at least for now, surmounted the violent specter of White Supremacy.

Cancer Trauma is Ongoing

We have reached the quickening of nature, known in Celtic realms as Imbolc. The light has changed so completely, becoming bright and illuminating the blooms and buds that are starting to emerge. I have to admit my own trauma after the last four years, and especially after 2020. I notice I have a reluctance to be out in the world that I have never experienced before. It is not fear. I think it’s just that my world became smaller but richer. I had time to write. We made changes to our home, so it became cozier. I went over my big past life in so many ways, boggled by its hustle and bustle, and not eager to do that again with what time I have left. And there are times I just need to be still. I am trying to let myself disappear when I need to, and I need to do this often. There is so much to take in. The physic cost of grasping where our country is right now is huge. There is stubborn hopefulness that the change might hold and be for the best. But I don’t know that for certain, so I try to strengthen what I have control of.

Sustenance

These things sustain me: Family. Friends. Community. Nature. Beauty. Celebrating the seasons and swinging grandchildren, smiling as they gleefully jump in puddles and ask questions about crows. Listening to the trials and victories of those around me as we move about, always outdoors. The stamp of my long time with leukemia is imprinted deeply in my heart and body, but I bear it, for what, indeed, is the alternative? As I have since I was young, I do the only thing that makes sense, — walking—now taking the place of other travels, healing my heart and body with beauty and the rhythm of feet touching the earth.

7 comments on “Teetering

  1. Stay peaceful, stay mighty my friend. Spend time doing whatever pleases you and with those who nourish you. Spring is coming! 💕💕💕

  2. Dear Shann – You’ve expressed the trauma of this year so well and you feel the depth of it more than most of us – living on the edge as you are since 4 years ago. It seem that your sensitivity to the world is heightened beyond what most of us feel on the surface. But your writing brings the sensitivity to the forefront for me. I wish I could walk with you in your woods and will again. Hopefully this year. Much love to you.

  3. Yet another inspirational contribution not only for your journey shared but for all, who in any manner, have those journeys in life that perplex us, hurt us, heal us, bring us sorrow and joys, help us grow and unravel bits of the understanding of life and our passage through the universe. Namaste.

  4. Dear Shann: As always, you have used beautiful and meaningful words which give so much inspiration to others. God bless you for that. Thank you.
    Love you. Peace.

  5. Thank you Shann and all who support you, jon

    On Tue, Feb 9, 2021 at 11:01 AM Do It Yourself Life wrote:

    > Shann Weston posted: ” Teetering is the word I settle on, after sampling > lockdown, pandemic, chaos, caste, remission, relapse. Teetering feels like > the right word to describe my cancer journey— balancing on a tight rope, > but also the drama of larger proportions in our co” >

  6. Shann, you have expressed it beautifully. It’s a trying time for all. I’m so please that you have Steve, the girls and their children around you to give you love and strength. Keep well please and get a shot as soon as you can.
    Much love from Portland.

  7. Wonderful to hear from you, Shann. Holding you in my heart and sending lots of love your way.

    Blessings!

    Meredith

    Rev. Meredith Ann Murray, M. Div. Emissary of Love Minister of Spiritual Peacemaking

    Since 2004: Wedding Officiant and Commitment Ceremonies

    Pastoral Counseling, Memorial Services

    Integrative Energy Therapy Advanced Practitioner

    Ajijic, Jalisco, Mexico Cell/text or WhatsApp: (Mexico) +52 332-849-4644

    RevMeredithAnn@gmail.com

    http://www.ServiceWithHeart.com

    We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence and its only end. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

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